 |
Fun
with the English Language |
Here are some
fun things involving the English language. To the best of
my knowledge, none of this is copyrighted, unless annotated so. Thus,
use them anyway you
wish. Above all, enjoy them. Oh, and e-mail me with
any other cool and/or interesting English language stuff...I would be happy
to include it.
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Dearest creature in creation, Study English pronunciation. I will teach you in my verse Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse. I will keep you, Suzy, busy, Make your head with heat grow dizzy. Tear in eye, your dress will tear. So shall I! Oh hear my prayer. Just compare heart, beard, and heard, Dies and diet, lord and word, Sword and sward, retain and Britain. (Mind the latter, how it's written.) Now I surely will not plague you With such words as plaque and ague. But be careful how you speak: Say break and steak, but bleak and streak; Cloven, oven, how and low, Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe. Hear me say, devoid of trickery, Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore, Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles, Exiles, similes, and reviles; Scholar, vicar, and cigar, Solar, mica, war and far; One, anemone, Balmoral, Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel; Gertrude, German, wind and mind, Scene, Melpomene, mankind. Billet does not rhyme with ballet, Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet. Blood and flood are not like food, Nor is mould like should and would. Viscous, viscount, load and broad, Toward, to forward, to reward. And your pronunciation's OK When you correctly say croquet, Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve, Friend and fiend, alive and live. Ivy, privy, famous; clamour And enamour rhyme with hammer. River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb, Doll and roll and some and home. Stranger does not rhyme with anger, Neither does devour with clangour. Souls but foul, haunt but aunt, Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant, Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger, And then singer, ginger, linger, Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge, Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age. Query does not rhyme with very, Nor does fury sound like bury. Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth. Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath. Though the differences seem little, We say actual but victual. Refer does not rhyme with deafer. Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer. Mint, pint, senate and sedate; Dull, bull, and George ate late. Scenic, Arabic, Pacific, Science, conscience, scientific. Liberty, library, heave and heaven, Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven. We say hallowed, but allowed, People, leopard, towed, but vowed. Mark the differences, moreover, Between mover, cover, clover; Leeches, breeches, wise, precise, Chalice, but police and lice; Camel, constable, unstable, Principle, disciple, label. Petal, panel, and canal, Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal. Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair, Senator, spectator, mayor. Tour, but our and succour, four. Gas, alas, and Arkansas. Sea, idea, Korea, area, Psalm, Maria, but malaria. Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean. Doctrine, turpentine, marine. Compare alien with Italian, Dandelion and battalion. Sally with ally, yea, ye, Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key. Say aver, but ever, fever, Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver. Heron, granary, canary. Crevice and device and aerie. Face, but preface, not efface. Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass. Large, but target, gin, give, verging, Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging. Ear, but earn and wear and tear Do not rhyme with here but ere. Seven is right, but so is even, Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen, Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk, Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work. Pronunciation -- think of Psyche! Is a paling stout and spikey? Won't it make you lose your wits, Writing groats and saying grits? It's a dark abyss or tunnel: Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale, Islington and Isle of Wight, Housewife, verdict and indict. Finally, which rhymes with enough -- Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough? Hiccough has the sound of cup. My advice is to give up!!!
Denied Beef or Crispness
oar
Avis Affront Sent Nickel less bike Lemon Seymour
(Trains crypt shun vice Codfish Hur Indus tie Lovejoy says Yule Essays)
Trust denied beef or crispness, endow Trudy howls
Gnaw decree churl wisteria, naughty venom owls.
This talking sarong bide each amnion scare
Indeo thatch sent Nickel less Holmwood bidet err.
Ditch elder Norn assailed owls noggin dare bats
Whale fissions assure kerplunks tan stinter hats.
Enema inner cur chiffoned ion Mike apt
Adjust saddle daub rains Farralon went her snap.
Win autumn along Thera roe Sedgwick latter
Ice prang form abed Tuesday water the smatter.
A whey Tudor Wendy wife low Wycliff lash,
Tyropita shudder, Andrew opus ash.
Them Noonan depressed over Newfoundland's know
Gay baluster omit dative abject spell low
Windward tomb Ivan daring ice showed up here
Button manager slave, innate tine errand ear
Withal eidolon dry verse alive eel ink wick
Ainu anymore minted moose bison tick.
Murre wrap idem eglises corsairs ache aim,
Andy whiz seldom chowder dun cauldron Benet him:
"Gnawed ash around answer! Gnaw pram surround fix in!
Ankh omit! En queue paid! Undone her amble its in!
Fundy papaver Porsche strudel tapas AWOL,
Gnaw Dacia whey, Dacia whey, Dacia whey haul!"
Astride lees daub afford awhile derrick enough lie
Wednesday mead wither knob stickle, Mantua descry,
Sew Aptos dehors tapas corsairs Dave loo,
Wither slave aloft hoys, ensign Nickel less stew.
Undone inert winkle Ngaio Donner oaf
Dip rant singing poring a vetch lid aloof
Assayed ruin my hedonist yearning oar hound
Donna Jiminy sent Nickel Less gay myth abound.
Hugh as stressed Allen furtive he said Tuohy's put
Andy's close whir Altair nest wee thatches unsought.
Abound aloft hoys hee-hawed flowing onus pack
Andy hooked Lycra ped largess taupe ninny's back.
He sighs, outdate winkled! He Stempel some airy!
Hiss chicks warlike roe scissors know sly kitsch hairy!
He stroll it elm outwards Ranulf ply Cabo
Ann de Beer Dover's Genoa's wight asters know.
This tempo fur pie peahen titan is tea,
Thin desmo kitten sir cul-de-sac Laika wraith.
Hee-hawed abroad fay, Sinaloa rowan Bali
The Chuck fenny left likable fell agilely.
Ewoks chapati aplomb, pariah jelly hole Delft,
Andial Afton eyesore hemming spider mite shelf.
Owing covey sigh, inert wester fizz Ed
Sung Avery tuna Ahab knotting toot red.
Hiss poke gnaw toward, button stray towhee smirk,
Unfilled alder stalkings, interned with edge irk
Inlay ingot vinegar a sigh Dover snows
Ungiving unawed, hope itch enemy arrows.
Hiss prang Tuohy slay, Tuohy steam gay vibrissa
Andy wither elf lowlife can Donovan this ill.
Bowtie herd Emmick's claim, harried roe vow despite,
"Murray Crispness two wall, unto Allah goon height!"
BACK TO INDEX
by Frank L. Visco
My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:
1) Always avoid alliteration.
2) Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3) Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4) Employ the vernacular.
5) Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6) Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7) It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8) Contractions aren't necessary.
9) Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10) One should never generalize.
11) Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said:
"I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12) Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13) Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary;
it's highly superfluous.
14) Profanity sucks.
15) Be more or less specific.
16) Understatement is always best.
17) Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18) One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19) Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20) The passive voice is to be avoided.
21) Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22) Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23) Who needs rhetorical questions?
BACK TO INDEX
1. Don't use no double negatives.
2. About them sentence fragments.
3. Try to not ever split infinitives.
4. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
5. Between you and I, case is important.
6. Correct spelling is esential.
7. When dangling, watch your participles.
8. Use your apostrophes's correctly.
9. Avoid cliches like the plague.
10. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.
11. Proofread you writing.
BACK TO INDEX
4th Runner-Up: Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as
Calvin Klein's Obsession would smell if it were called Enema
and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural
floral fragrances. (Jennifer Frank, Washington, and Jimmy
Pontzer, Sterling)
3rd Runner-Up: The baseball player stepped out of the box
and spit like a fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches
itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses
to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they
pay him lots of drachmas. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover
Hills)
2nd Runner-Up: I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably
is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or
something, but I don't speak German. Anyway, it's a dread
that nobody knows the name for, like those little square
plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don't know the
name for those either. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)
1st Runner-Up: She was as unhappy as when someone puts
your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows
down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you
can't sing worth a damn. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
And the winner of the framed Scarlet Fever sign: His fountain
pen was so expensive it looked as if someone had grabbed
the pope, turned him upside down and started writing with
the tip of his big pointy hat. (Jeffrey Carl, Richmond)
Honorable Mentions:
- - He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)
- - The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them
in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)
- - The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a
Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)
- - He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes
with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools
about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with
a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
- - She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to
dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open
again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)
- - She was sending me more mixed signals than a dyslexic third-base coach.
(Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)
- - The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
- - Having O.J. try on the bloody glove was a stroke of genius unseen since
the debut of Goober on "Mayberry R.F.D".(John Kammer, Herndon)
- - From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy"
comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
- - Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
- - Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
- - Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung
by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
- - Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
- - Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie
this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
- - Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m.
at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
- - Upon completing kindergarten, Lance felt the same sense of accomplishment
the Unabomber feels every time he successfully blows up another college professor.
(Anonymous)
- - They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
- - John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also
never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
- - His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
- - After sending in my entries for the Style Invitational, I feel relieved
and apprehensive, like a little boy who has just wet his bed.
(Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)
- - You made my day, even a day as gray as white cotton sheets washed for
decades in cold water without bleach like no self-respecting woman who came
of age in the 1940s would allow in her house, much less on one of her beds,
but up with which she must put whenever she visits one of her own daughters,
just as if they had never been brought up right. (DEV, Madison, Wis)
BACK TO INDEX
Smith, where Jones had had "had", had had "had had";
"had had" had had the examiner's approval.
BACK TO INDEX
by Howard Chase
Howard Chase is a former professor of romance languages at Miami
University in Ohio. This story is a selection from his book,
'Anguish Languish'. He wrote it in the 1940's and it has been
published at various times in various places.
Wants pawn term dare worsted ladle gull hoe lift wetter murder inner
ladle cordage honor itch offer lodge dock florist. Disc ladle gull
orphan worry ladle cluck wetter putty ladle rat hut, end fur disc
raisin pimple caulder ladle rat rotten hut. Wan moaning rat rotten
hut's murder colder inset: 'Ladle rat rotten hut, heresy ladle basking
winsome burden barter an shirker cockles. Tick disc ladle basking
tudor cordage offer groin murder hoe lifts honor udder site offer
florist. Shaker lake, dun stopper laundry wrote, end yonder nor
sorghum stenches dun stopper torque wet strainers.' 'Hoe-cake, murder,'
resplendent ladle rat rotten hut, end tickle ladle basking an sturred
oft. Honor wrote tudor cordage offer groin murder, ladle rat rotten
hut mitten anomalous woof. 'Wail, wail, wail,' set disc wicket woof,
'evanescent ladle rat rotten hut! Wares or putty ladle gull goring
wizard ladle basking?' 'Armor goring tumor groin murder's,' reprisal
ladle gull. 'Grammars seeking bet. Armor ticking arson burden barter
end shirker cockles.' 'O hoe! Heifer blessing woke,' setter wicket
woof, butter taught tomb shelf, 'Oil tickle shirt court tudor cordage
offer groin murder. Oil ketchup wetter letter, an den - O bore!' Soda
wicket woof tucker shirt court, end whinney retched a cordage offer
groin murder, picket inner window an dore debtor port oil worming worse
lion inner bet. Inner flesh disc abdominal woof lipped honor betting
adder rope. Zany pool dawn a groin murder's nut cup an gnat gun, any
curdle dope inner bet. Inner ladle wile ladle rat rotten hut a raft
attar cordage an ranker dough ball. 'Comb ink, sweat hard,' setter
wicket woof, disgracing is verse. Ladle rat rotten hut entity bet rum
end stud buyer groin murder's bet. 'Oh grammar,' crater ladle gull,
'Wart bag icer gut! A nervous sausage bag ice!' 'Butter lucky chew
whiff, doling,' whiskered disc ratchet woof, wetter wicket small. 'Oh
grammar, water bag noise! A nervous sore suture anomalous prognosis!'
'Buttered small your whiff,' inserter woof, ants mouse worse wadding.
'Oh grammar, water bag mousey gut! A nervous sore suture bag mouse!'
Daze worry on forger nut gull's lest warts. Oil offer sodden throne
offer carvers an sprinkling otter bet, disc curl an bloat thursday woof
ceased pore ladle rat rotten hut an garbled erupt.
Mural: Yonder not sorghum stenches shud ladle gulls stopper torque wet
strainers.
--------
If you are interested in a much larger collection of these, please go to
the very humorous Anguish Language.
BACK TO INDEX
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the
annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence,
kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this
potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus
musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the
wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure
regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among
whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual
hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through
their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head
coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness
when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended
such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity
from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source
thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing
this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance
without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline
precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian
itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to
behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight
diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule,
aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly
apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller.
With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more
vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated
loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and
addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now
Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior
level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the
concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a
180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost
celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He
was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from
oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls
thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the
plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious
cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary
dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The
capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with
blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the
coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium,
or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so
much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment
appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey
fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive
of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was
high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region
undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical
container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund,
multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly
frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly
lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to
one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned
articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously
dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task,
he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in
lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium
forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his
egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then
propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a
musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the
antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a
movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions
of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible
immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of
visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to
that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously
beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and
dawn."
BACK TO INDEX
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author,
Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU.
3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO
KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING
QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR
ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A
PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I
have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making
them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic
slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time
efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a
veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the
subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large
suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On
Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of
charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.
I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I
have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last
summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force
demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me
fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.
I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day
and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I
know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have
performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week;
when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I
successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a
small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a
toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San
Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the
Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and
I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
BACK TO INDEX
Chip Talk is/was a nationally syndicated column broadcast on KNX-AM
This piece circa 3/91 or slightly before...
"Suppose Edgar Allan Poe had used a computer? This is Dave Ross with Chip Talk:
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
This is Dave Ross"
BACK TO INDEX
He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool, shun him.
He who knows not and knows that he knows not is a child, teach him.
He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep, wake him.
And he who knows and knows that he knows is wise, follow him.
©1995 Gene Ziegler
Bits Bytes Chips Clocks
Bits in bytes on chips in box.
Bytes with bits and chips with clocks.
Chips in box on ether-docks.
Chips with bits come. Chips with bytes come.
Chips with bits and bytes and clocks come.
Look, sir. Look, sir. Read the book, sir.
Let's do tricks with bits and bytes, sir.
Let's do tricks with chips and clocks, sir.
First, I'll make a quick trick bit stack.
Then I'll make a quick trick byte stack.
You can make a quick trick chip stack.
You can make a quick trick clock stack.
And here's a new trick on the scene.
Bits in bytes for your machine.
Bytes in words to fill your screen.
Now we come to ticks and tocks, sir.
Try to say this by the clock, sir.
Clocks on chips tick.
Clocks on chips tock.
Eight byte bits tick.
Eight bit bytes tock.
Clocks on chips with eight bit bytes tick.
Chips with clocks and eight byte bits tock.
Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say....
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash.
You can't say this? What a shame, sir!
We'll find you another game, sir.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side-effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
quickly turn of your computer and be sure to tell your mom!
(God bless you Dr. Seuss wherever you are!)
BACK TO INDEX
Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by
Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as
Bonkistry. He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up
with something like this.
Anyway, one year, there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who
did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, and labs, such that going
into the final thet had a solid A.
These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend
before finals week (even thought the Chem final was on Monday), they
decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there.
So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers, they
overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday
morning.
Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Prof. Bonk
after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that
they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to
study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and
hence were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the
following day. The guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night
and went in the next day to take the final.
The Professor placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test
booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem which was
something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points.
"Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy". They did that problem and
then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the
next page.
It said: (95 points) Which Tire?
BACK TO INDEX
[from the journal of the American Academy of Forensic Scientists]
For those of you who were unable to attend the Awards Dinner during
the Annual Meeting in San Diego, you missed a tall tale on complex
forensics presented by AAFS President Don Harper Mills in his
opening remarks. The following is a recount of Dr. Mills story...
"On March 23 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a gunshot wound of the head caused by a
shotgun. Investigation to that point had revealed that the decedent
had jumped from the top of a ten story building with the intent to
commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency).
As he passed the 9th floor on the way down, his life was interrupted by a
shotgun blast through a window, killing him instantly. Neither the
shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been
erected at the 8th floor to protect some window washers and that the
decedent would not have been able to complete his intent to commit
suicide because of this.
Ordinarily, a person who starts into motion the events with a
suicide intent, ultimately commits suicide even though the mechanism
might not be what he intended. That he was shot on the way to
certain death nine stories below probably would not change his mode
of death from suicide to homicide. But the circumstance caused the
medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands.
Further investigation led to the discovery that the room on the 9th
floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an
elderly man and his wife. He was threatening her with the shotgun
because of an interspousal spat and became so upset he could not
hold the shotgun straight. Therefore when he pulled the trigger, he
completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window
striking the decedent.
When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the
attempt, one is guilty of murder of subject B. The old man was
confronted with this conclusion, but both he and his wife were
adamant in stating that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded.
It was a longtime habit of the old man to threaten his wife with an
unloaded shotgun. He had no intent to murder her, therefore the
killing of the decedent appeared to be an accident. That is, the
gun had been accidentally loaded.
But *further* investigation turned up a witness that their son was
seen loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior tp the fatal
accident. That investigation showed that the mother (the old lady)
had cut off her son's financial support and her son, knowing the
propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded
the gun with the expectation that the father would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the
death of Ronald Opus.
Further investigation revealed that the son became increasingly
despondent over the failure of his attempt to get his mother
murdered. This led him to jump off a ten-story building on March
23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a 9th story window."
Now, is it Suicide, Homicide, or an Accident?
The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed
the case as a suicide.
BACK TO INDEX
A man, a plan, a canoe, pasta, heros, rajahs, a coloratura, maps, snipe,
percale, macaroni, a gag, a banana bag, a tan, a tag, a banana bag again
(or a camel), a crepe, pins, Spam, a rut, a Rolo, cash, a jar, sore hats,
a peon, a canal, Panama!
Pray tell, William dear, is that child your target? You, as father, cry.
But despair will not do. Do not, Will, despair! But cry, "Father!" as you
target your child. That is, dear William Tell, pray!
BACK TO INDEX
Richard Lederer
St. Paul's School
One of the fringe benefits
of being an English or History teacher is receiving
the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together
the following "history"
of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers
collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through
college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of Egypt
were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert
and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants
have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cul- tivated by
irritation.
The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The
Pramids
are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting
caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses,
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked
"Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount
Montezuma.
Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who
brought
up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's
sons,
Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew
slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to
the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any
ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists,
a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons,
had 500
wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't
have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of
columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female
moth.
One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until
he
became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer
also wrote
the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses
endured on his
journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that
name.
Socrates was a famous Greek
teacher who went around giving people advice. They
killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks
ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the
java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was
democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were
no
wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over
to see
what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks
were
outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered
the Geeks. History call people Romans because
they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests
wore
garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields
of Gaul.
The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle
to them.
Then came the Middle Ages.
King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived
in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of
Hastings,
Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black
Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free
man
should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of
the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was
Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale
tells
of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's
head.
The Renaissance was an age
in which more individuals felt the value of their human
being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling
papal
indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was
the
painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of
the Renaissance.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible.
Sir
Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another
important
invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world
with a
100-foot clipper.
The government of England
was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult
because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Vir- gin
Queen." As
a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be- fore her troops,
they
all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish
Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the
Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made
much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with
his merry
wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous
plays,
Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In
another, Lady
Macbeth tries to convince Mac- beth to kill the King by attacking his manhood.
Romeo
and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear
was
Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was
John Milton. Milton
wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise
Regained."
During the Renaissance America
began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator
who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called
the
Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and
the was
called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were
greeted
by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The
Indian squabs
carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along
with their
cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one
for the
settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was
responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the
Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea.
Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post with- out stamps.
During
the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The
dogs were
barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no
longer
had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original
thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas
Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration
of
Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket
and
a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented elec- tricity by rubbing cats backwards
and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin
died in 1790 and
is still dead.
George Washington married
Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our
Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic
hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare
arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's
greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in
infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When
Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion
there is strength."
Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington
to
Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation,
and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux
Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the
night
of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one
of the
actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth,
a
supposed insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the
enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented
electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented
by Issac
Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling
off the trees.
Bach was the most famous
composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was
half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from
1750 to
the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling
for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious
state. The French Revolution was accomplished before
it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolu- tion,
and it
catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe
were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the
hills and
nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was
very
tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine
was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.
The sun never set on the
British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and
the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a
thorn for
63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory
of a great
personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was
a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention
of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented
the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented
a
code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin
was a
naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered
radium.
And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, cause
by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a
new error in the anals of human history.
LOU: I love baseball. When
we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' name on the
team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ball park I'll be able to know
those fellows?
BUD: All right. but you know,
strange as it may seems, they give ball players nowadays
very peculiar names, nick names, like "Dizzy Dean." Now on the St.
Louis team we have
Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --
LOU: That's what I want to
find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows
on the St. Louis team.
BUD: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --
LOU: You know the fellows' names?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Well, then who's playin' first.
BUD: Yes
LOU: I mean the fellow's name on first base.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The guy on first base.
BUD: Who is on first.
LOU: Well, what are you askin' me for?
BUD: I'm not asking you -- I'm telling you. WHO IS ON FIRST.
LOU: I'm asking you -- who's on first?
BUD: That's the man's name!
LOU: That's who's name?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Well, go ahead and tell me.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The guy on first.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The first baseman.
BUD: Who is on first.
LOU: Have you got a first baseman on first?
BUD: Certainly.
LOU: Then who's playing first?
BUD: Absolutely.
LOU: (pause) When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
BUD: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it.
LOU: Who is?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: So who gets it?
BUD: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
LOU: Who's wife?
BUD: Yes. After all the man earns it.
LOU: Who does?
BUD: Absolutely.
LOU: Well all I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base.
BUD: Oh, no, no, What is on second base.
LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: That's what I'm trying to find out.
BUD: Well, don't change the players around.
LOU: I'm not changing nobody.
BUD: Now, take it easy.
LOU: What's the guy's name on first base?
BUD: What's the guy's name on second base.
LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD: He's on third. We're not talking about him.
LOU: How could I get on third base?
BUD: You mentioned his name.
LOU: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
BUD: No, Who's playing first.
LOU: Stay offa first, will ya?
BUD: Well what do you want me to do?
LOU: Now what's the guy's name on first base?
BUD: What's on second.
LOU: I'm not asking ya who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD: He's on third.
LOU: There I go back on third again.
BUD: Well, I can't change their names.
LOU: Say, will you please stay on third base.
BUD: Please. Now what is it you want to know.
LOU: What is the fellow's name on third base.
BUD: What is the fellow's name on second base.
LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD: THIRD BASE!
LOU: You got an outfield?
BUD: Oh, sure.
LOU: St. Louis has got a good outfield?
BUD: Oh, absolutely.
LOU: The left fielder's name?
BUD: Why.
LOU: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.
BUD: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
LOU: Them tell me who's playing left field.
BUD: Who's playing first.
LOU: Stay out of the infield!
BUD: Don't Don't mention any names out here.
LOU: I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field?
BUD: What is on second.
LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
BUD: Who is on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD and LOU: (together and calmly) Third base.
LOU: And the left fielder's name?
BUD: Why.
LOU: Because.
BUD: Oh he's Center Field.
LOU: (whimpers) Center field.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team.
BUD: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.
LOU: I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name.
BUD: Tomorrow.
LOU: You don't want to tell me today?
BUD: I'm telling you, man.
LOU: Then go ahead.
BUD: Tomorrow.
LOU: What time?
BUD: What time what?
LOU: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
BUD: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on --
LOU: I'LL BREAK YOUR ARM IF YOU SAY "WHO'S ON FIRST!"
BUD: Then why come up here and ask?
LOU: I want to know what's the pitcher's name.
BUD: What's on second.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD and LOU: (VERY QUICKLY) THIRD BASE!!
LOU: You gotta Catcher?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: The Catcher's name?
BUD: Today.
LOU: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.
BUD: Now you've got it.
LOU: That's all. St. Louis has a couple of days on their team.
BUD: Well I can't help that.
LOU: You know I'm a good catcher too.
BUD: I know that.
LOU: I would like to play for the St. Louis team.
BUD: Well I might arrange that.
LOU: I would like to catch.
Now I'm being a good Catcher, tomorrow's pitching
on the team, and I'm catching.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Now when he bunts the
ball -- me being a good catcher -- I want to throw
the guy out a first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
BUD: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
LOU: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!
BUD: Well, that's all you have to do.
LOU: Is to throw it to first base.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Now who's got it?
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: Who has it?
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: Naturally.
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: O.K.
BUD: Now you've got it.
LOU: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
BUD: No you don't, you throw the ball to first base.
LOU: Then who gets it?
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: O.K.
BUD: All right.
LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.
BUD: You don't you throw it to Naturally.
LOU: Naturally.
BUD: Well, naturally. Say it that way.
LOU: That's what I said.
BUD: You did not.
LOU: I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.
BUD: You don't. You throw it to Who.
LOU: Naturally.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.
BUD: No. You throw the ball to first base--
LOU: Then who gets it?
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: That's what I'm saying.
BUD: You're not saying that.
LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.
BUD: You throw it to Who!
LOU: Naturally.
BUD: Naturally. Well say it that way.
LOU: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!
BUD: Now don't get excited.
LOU: Whose gettin excited!! I throw the ball to first base--
BUD: Then Who gets it.
LOU: (annoyed) HE BETTER GET IT!
BUD: That's it. All right now Take it easy.
LOU: Hrmmph.
BUD: Hrmmph.
LOU: Now I throw the ball
to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the
guy runs to second.
BUD: Uh-huh.
LOU: Who picks up the ball
and throws it to what. What throws it to I don't
know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow -- a triple play.
BUD: Yeah. It could be.
LOU: Another guy gets up
and it's a long fly ball to center. Why? I don't know,
he's on third, and I don't give a darn.
BUD: What did you say?
LOU: I said "I don't give a darn."
BUD: Oh, that's our shortstop!
LOU: ABBOTT! ----------------------------------------------------------------
Mike Keith, a most talented
writer and mathematician, has come up with an
intriguing version of Edgar Allan Poe's immortal poem, The Raven. It is an
example of constrained writing, prose or poetry subject to a particular artificially
imposed restriction. The most famous of these are the two published novels
written without the luxury of a single letter E present in the entire work.
Keith's
work is constrained by a most curious restriction; let me show you the work...
see if you can deduce the artifice. (The answer is given at the end.)
Poe, E.
Near a Raven
Midnights so dreary, tired and weary.
Silently pondering volumes extolling all by-now obsolete lore.
During my rather long nap - the weirdest tap!
An ominous vibrating sound disturbing my chamber's antedoor.
"This", I whispered quietly, "I ignore".
Perfectly, the intellect remembers: the ghostly fires, a glittering ember.
Inflamed by lightning's outbursts, windows cast penumbras upon this floor.
Sorrowful, as one mistreated, unhappy thoughts I heeded:
That inimitable lesson in elegance - Lenore -
Is delighting, exciting...nevermore.
Ominously, curtains parted (my serenity outsmarted),
And fear overcame my being - the fear of "forevermore".
Fearful foreboding abided, selfish sentiment confided,
As I said, "Methinks mysterious traveler knocks afore.
A man is visiting, of age threescore."
Taking little time, briskly addressing something: "Sir," (robustly)
"Tell what source originates clamorous noise afore?
Disturbing sleep unkindly, is it you a-tapping, so slyly?
Why, devil incarnate!--" Here completely unveiled I my antedoor--
Just darkness, I ascertained - nothing more.
While surrounded by darkness then, I persevered to clearly comprehend.
I perceived the weirdest dream...of everlasting "nevermores".
Quite, quite, quick nocturnal doubts fled - such relief! - as my intellect said,
(Desiring, imagining still) that perchance the apparition was uttering a whispered
"Lenore".
This only, as evermore.
Silently, I reinforced, remaining anxious, quite scared, afraid,
While intrusive tap did then come thrice - O, so stronger than sounded afore.
"Surely" (said silently) "it was the banging, clanging window lattice."
Glancing out, I quaked, upset by horrors hereinbefore,
Perceiving: a "nevermore".
Completely disturbed, I said, "Utter, please, what prevails ahead.
Repose, relief, cessation, or but more dreary 'nevermores'?"
The bird intruded thence - O, irritation ever since! -
Then sat on Pallas' pallid bust, watching me (I sat not, therefore),
And stated "nevermores".
Bemused by raven's dissonance, my soul exclaimed, "I seek intelligence;
Explain thy purpose, or soon cease intoning forlorn 'nevermores'!"
"Nevermores", winged corvus proclaimed - thusly was a raven named?
Actually maintain a surname, upon Pluvious seashore?
I heard an oppressive "nevermore".
My sentiments extremely pained, to perceive an utterance so plain,
Most interested, mystified, a meaning I hoped for.
"Surely," said the raven's watcher, "separate discourse is wiser.
Therefore, liberation I'll obtain, retreating heretofore -
Eliminating all the 'nevermores' ".
Still, the detestable raven just remained, unmoving, on sculptured bust.
Always saying "never" (by a red chamber's door).
A poor, tender heartache maven - a sorrowful bird - a raven!
O, I wished thoroughly, forthwith, that he'd fly heretofore.
Still sitting, he recited "nevermores".
The raven's dirge induced alarm - "nevermore" quite wearisome.
I meditated: "Might its utterances summarize of a calamity before?"
O, a sadness was manifest - a sorrowful cry of unrest;
"O," I thought sincerely, "it's a melancholy great - furthermore,
Removing doubt, this explains 'nevermores' ".
Seizing just that moment to sit - closely, carefully, advancing beside it,
Sinking down, intrigued, where velvet cushion lay afore.
A creature, midnight-black, watched there - it studied my soul, unawares.
Wherefore, explanations my insight entreated for.
Silently, I pondered the "nevermores".
"Disentangle, nefarious bird! Disengage - I am disturbed!"
Intently its eye burned, raising the cry within my core.
"That delectable Lenore - whose velvet pillow this was, heretofore,
Departed thence, unsettling my consciousness therefore.
She's returning - that maiden - aye, nevermore."
Since, to me, that thought was madness, I renounced continuing sadness.
Continuing on, I soundly, adamantly forswore:
"Wretch," (addressing blackbird only) "fly swiftly - emancipate me!"
"Respite, respite, detestable raven - and discharge me, I implore!"
A ghostly answer of: "nevermore".
" 'Tis a prophet? Wraith? Strange devil? Or the ultimate evil?"
"Answer, tempter-sent creature!", I inquired, like before.
"Forlorn, though firmly undaunted, with 'nevermores' quite indoctrinated,
Is everything depressing, generating great sorrow evermore?
I am subdued!", I then swore.
In answer, the raven turned - relentless distress it spurned.
"Comfort, surcease, quiet, silence!" - pleaded I for.
"Will my (abusive raven!) sorrows persist unabated?
Nevermore Lenore respondeth?", adamantly I encored.
The appeal was ignored.
"O, satanic inferno's denizen -- go!", I said boldly, standing then.
"Take henceforth loathsome "nevermores" - O, to an ugly Plutonian shore!
Let nary one expression, O bird, remain still here, replacing mirth.
Promptly leave and retreat!", I resolutely swore.
Blackbird's riposte: "nevermore".
So he sitteth, observing always, perching ominously on these doorways.
Squatting on the stony bust so untroubled, O therefore.
Suffering stark raven's conversings, so I am condemned, subserving,
To a nightmare cursed, containing miseries galore.
Thus henceforth, I'll rise (from a darkness, a grave) -- nevermore!
-- Original: E. Poe
-- Redone by measuring circles.
Well, now that you have read
the entire text, any ideas? The more
mathematically-minded of the readers will observe that they might have
enjoyed this poetry with a nice piece of pi...especially since each of the words
in this poem has the precise number of letters described in the value of
pi: 3.1415926535897932384626433832795... and so on!
Have you ever wondered what
made someone an expert? Was it a degree? Was
it experience? Well, I sure don't have the answer...especially in light of some
of
these famous (and not-so-famous) experts' claims, comments, and predictions:
"Everything that can
be invented has been invented." --Charles H. Duell, Office of
Patents, 1899.
"There will never be
a bigger plane built." --A Boeing engineer, after the first flight
of the 247, a twin engine plane that carried ten people.
"Ours has been the first,
and doubtless to be the last, to visit this profitless locality."
-- Lt. Joseph Ives after visiting the Grand Canyon in 1861.
"There is not the slightest
indication that nuclear energy will ever be obtainable.
It would mean that the atom would have to be shattered at will." -- Albert
Einstein, 1932.
"We don't like their
sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out." --Decca executive,
1962, after turning down the Beatles.
"It will be years--not
in my time--before a woman will become Prime Minister."
--Margaret Thatcher, 1974.
"With over 50 foreign
cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry isn't
likely to carve out a big slice of the US market." --Business Week, August
2, 1968.
"Computers may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, 1949.
"There is no reason
anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson,
president of Digital Equipment Corp. 1977.
"This telephone has
too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a
means of communication." --Western Union memo, 1876.
"No imaginable commercial
value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody
in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urging
investment in
the radio in the 1920's.
"Who wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll
be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
--Gary Cooper, after turning down the lead role in Gone With The Wind.
"Market research reports
say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy
cookies like you make." --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of Mrs. Fields'
Cookies.
"We don't need you.
You haven't got through college yet." --Hewlett Packard excuse
to Steve Jobs, who founded Apple Computers instead.
"I think there's a world
market for about five computers." --Thomas J. Watson,
chairman of the board of IBM.
"The bomb will never
go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." --Admiral William
Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project.
"Airplanes are interesting
toys, but they are of no military value whatsoever."
--Marechal Ferdinand Fock, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Stocks have reached
a permanently high plateau." --Irving Fisher, Professor of
Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"No matter what happens,
the U.S. Navy is not going to be caught napping."
--U.S. Secretary of Navy, December 4, 1941.
"While theoretically
and technically television may be feasible, commercially and
financially it is an impossibility." --Lee DeForest, inventor.
"Radio has no future.
Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. X-rays will
prove to be a hoax." --William Thomson, Lord Kelvin English scientist,
1899.
An anagram, as you all know,
is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging
the letters of another word or phrase. The following are quite clever and I
hope you
enjoy them. Thanks to Maura for sending them to me.
Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.
| Dormitory | Dirty Room | Snooze Alarms | Alas! No More Z's | |
| Evangelist | Evil's Agent | Alec Guinness | Genuine Class | |
| Desperation | A Rope Ends It | Semolina | Is No Meal | |
| The Morse Code | Here Come Dots | The Public Art Galleries | Large Picture Halls, I Bet | |
| Slot Machines | Cash Lost in 'em | A Decimal Point | I'm a Dot in Place | |
| Animosity | Is No Amity | Eleven plus two | Twelve plus one | |
| Contradiction | Accord not in it | George Bush | He Bugs Gore |
One more encore, while we are on the subject of presidents:
RONALD WILSON REAGAN
becomes
INSANE ANGLO WARLORD
36. Jumbo Shrimp
35. State worker
34. Legally drunk
33. Exact estimate
32. Act naturally
31. Found missing
30. Resident alien
29. Genuine imitation
28. Airline food
27. Good grief
26. Government organization
25. Sanitary landfill
24. Alone together
23. Small crowd
22. Business ethics
21. Soft rock
20. Butt head
19. Military intelligence
18. Sweet sorrow
17. Rural metro (ambulance service)
16. "Now, then . . ."
15. Passive aggression
14. Clearly misunderstood
13. Peace force
12. Extinct life
11. Plastic glasses
10. Terribly pleased
9. Computer security
8. Political science
7. Tight slacks
6. Definite maybe
5. Pretty ugly
4. Rap music
3. Working vacation
2. Religious tolerance
1. Quiet riot
If you like oxymorons (and
who doesn't?), there is a great page of hundreds
of them ==> Here!
We'll begin with box, and the plural is boxes;
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
Then one fowl is goose, but two are called geese ...
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a whole lot of mice,
But the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
When couldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
The cow in the plural may be cows or kine,
But the plural of vow is vows, not vine.
And I speak of a foot, and you show me your feet,
But I give a boot ... would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
If the singular is this and plural is these,
Why shouldn't the plural of kiss be nicknamed kese?
Then one may be that, and three may be those,
Yet the plural of hat would never be hose;
We speak of a brother, and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
The masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis, and shim!
So our English, I think you will all agree,
Is the trickiest language you ever did see.
I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you
On hiccough, thorough, slough, and through?
Well, done! And now you wish, perhaps
To learn of less familiar traps?
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead; it's said like bed, not bead;
For goodness sake, don't call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat,
(they rhyme with suite and straight and debt)
A moth is not a moth in mother.
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there.
And dear and fear for bear and pear.
And then there's dose and rose and lose -- Just look them up -- and
goose and choose. And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword.
And do and go, then thwart and cart.
Come, come, I've hardly made a start.
A dreadful language? Man alive,
I'd learned to speak it when I was five, And yet to write it,
the more I sigh ...
This Wonderful Language of Ours
We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer worker's seam.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out piles of books.
'Twas
the Night Before Finals
T'was the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
Danced in their heads.
Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
Would get their brains thinking.
In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
Dreading all those exams
I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.
I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were all muddy,
My eyes went a'blur,
I just couldn't study.
"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.
I'd pretty much concluded
Life is unfair and cruel,
Since our futures all depend
On grades made in school.
When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put-It-Off
Ambled inside.
Her spirit was careless,
Her manner was mellow,
She looked at the mess
And started to bellow:
"Why should us students
Make such a fuss,
About what those teachers
Toss out to us?"
"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Year's Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last Minute Crams!"
Her message delivered,
She vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing
Outside in the night.
"Your teachers won't flunk you,
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a good test."
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the
monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved
by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as
long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a
year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer,
he would be put to death.
The question: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable
man, and, to
young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better
than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by
year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody:
the princess,
the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke
with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many
people advised him to consult the old witch--only she would know the
answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the
kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative
but to
talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to
accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most
noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only
one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises... etc. He had never
encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to
marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He told him
that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the
preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed,
and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a
great truth and
that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring
monarch granted Arthur total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn
between relief
and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old
witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very
uncomfortable.
The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself
for a horrific
experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most
beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain
asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so
kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her
horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be
her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day,
and which during the night?
What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament.
During the day,
a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the
privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a
hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many
intimate moments?
What would you do? What Gawain choice follows below,
but don't read
until you've made your own choice.
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for
herself. Upon
hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,
because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own
life.
What is the moral of this story?
If your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly!
See if you can figure it out without looking at the answer at the bottom.
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night.
You pass by a
bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing
that there could
only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a
job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going
to die, and thus
you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he
once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him
back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover
again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had
no trouble
coming up with his answer.
WHAT DID HE SAY?
- - - - - - - - Don't peek until you've given an answer....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to
my old friend, and let
him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the
bus with the woman of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our
stubborn thought
limitations.
Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
STORY NUMBER ONE:
World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant
Commander
Butch O'Hare. He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier
Lexington in the South Pacific.
One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission. After
he was airborne, he
looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off
his fuel tank. He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get
back to his ship. His flight leader told him to return to the carrier.
Reluctantly he dropped out of formation and headed back
to the fleet. As he
was returning to the mother ship, he saw something that turned his blood
cold. A squadron of Japanese bombers were speeding their way toward the
American fleet. The American fighters were gone on a sortie and the fleet was
all but defenseless. He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in
time to save the fleet. Nor, could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger.
There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert
them from the fleet.
Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of
Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 caliber's blazed as he charged in, attacking
one surprised enemy plane and then another. Butch weaved in and out of the
now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible until finally
all his ammunition was spent. Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dove at
the planes, trying to at least clip off a wing or tail, in hopes of damaging
as many enemy planes as possible and rendering them unfit to fly. He was
desperate to do anything he could to keep them from reaching the American
ships.
Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in
another direction.
Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the
carrier.
Upon arrival he reported in and related the event surrounding
his return. The
film from the camera mounted on his plane told the tale. It showed the extent
of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet. He had destroyed five enemy
bombers.
That was on February 20, 1942, and for that action he
became the Navy's first
Ace of W.W.II and the first Naval Aviator to win the Congressional Medal of
Honor.
A year later he was killed in aerial combat at the age
of 29. His home town
would not allow the memory of that heroic action die. And today, O'Hare
Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great man. So
the next time you're in O'Hare visit his memorial with his statue and Medal
of Honor. It is located between Terminal 1 and 2.
STORY NUMBER TWO:
Some years earlier there was a man in Chicago called
Easy Eddie. At that
time, Al Capone virtually owned the city. Capone wasn't famous for anything
heroic. His exploits were anything but praiseworthy. He was, however,
notorious for enmeshing the city of Chicago in everything from bootlegged
booze and prostitution to murder.
Easy Eddie was Capone's lawyer and for a good reason.
He was very good! In
fact, his skill at legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail for a long time.
To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well. Not only was the money
big; Eddie got special dividends. For instance, he and his family occupied a
fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day.
The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago city block. Yes,
Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to
the atrocity that went on around him.
Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son that
he loved dearly. Eddy
saw to it that his young son had the best of everything, clothes, cars, and
a
good education. Nothing was withheld. Price was no object. And despite his
involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from
wrong.
Yes, Eddie tried to teach his son to rise above his own
sordid life. He
wanted him to be a better man than he was. Yet, with all his wealth and
influence, there were two things that Eddie couldn't give his son. Two things
that Eddie sacrificed to the Capone mob that he could not pass on to his
beloved son: a good name and a good example.
One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Offering
his son a good
name was far more important than all the riches he could lavish on him. He
had to rectify all the wrong that he had done. He would go to the authorities
and tell the truth about "Scarface" Al Capone. He would try to clean
up his
tarnished name and offer his son some semblance of integrity. To do this he
must testify against The Mob, and he knew that the cost would be great. But
more than anything, he wanted to be an example to his son.
He wanted to do his best to make restoration and hopefully
have a good name
to leave his son. So, he testified. Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended
in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street. He had given his son the
greatest gift he had to offer at the greatest price he would ever pay.
What do these two stories have to do with one another?
---> Butch O'Hare was Easy Eddie's son.
More Fun Phrases (groaners and Bon Mots alike...)
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are
in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Here is a list of some mildly laughable unit conversions
that might actually
make sense to the modern common man or woman like you and I...
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it a moment)
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
10 cards: 1 decacards
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: One I.V. League
I'm sure you've heard those phrases and ideas
that just make you think, ones that, well,
kind of boogle the mind...here, for your entertainment, are just a few of these
imponderables:
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before
they are considered assassinated
instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents
in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?
Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before
we figured out it would be a good idea
to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings
and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that
burns the toast to a horrible crisp,
which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can
make a radio out of a coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains
on all fours?
They're both dogs!
If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy
all that ACME crap,
why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable
oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in
a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
The Wonderful Word "Up" (thanks to Paul Oliver)
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has
more meanings than any other
two-letter word, and that is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward
the sky or at the top of the list,
but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why
do we speak UP and why are the
officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to
brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver,
we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and
some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special
meaning. People stir UP trouble,
line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed
UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses
of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add
UP to about
thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of
the many ways
UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you
may wind UP
with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding
UP!
When the sun comes out we say it is clearingUP
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, and it is
time to shut UP.....!
Neat Nine-Letter Word (thanks to Eli Bomar)
There is a common English word that is nine
letters long. Each time you remove a letter from it,
it still remains an English word - from nine letters right down to a single
letter.
What is the original word, and what are the words that it becomes after removing
one letter at a time?
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The base word is startling --> starting --> staring --> string -->
sting --> sing --> sin --> in --> I
Here is a short collection
of some surprising and wickedly clever witticisms from some famous Yiddish people.
You might want to say "Oy Vey!" at the end (it couldn't hurt).
If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.
The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he
speaks.
What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.
A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.
One old friend is better than two new ones.
One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry
your daughter can be the father of the
smartest grandchild in the world.
Old friends, like old wines, don't lose their flavor.
A wise man hears one word and understands two.
"Don't be so humble - you are not that great."
---Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat
Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself.
---Golda Meir
Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.
--- Albert Einstein
When his wife asked him to change clothes
to meet the German Ambassador, he said "If they want to see me, here I
am. If they want
to see my clothes, open my closet and show them my suits."
--- Albert Einstein
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
---Albert Einstein
The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax.
---Albert Einstein
You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.
I don't want to become immortal through my work. I want to become immortal through
not dying.
---Woody Allen
I'm not afraid of dying - I just don't want to be there when it happens!
---Woody Allen
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton.
We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created
them.
--- Albert Einstein
Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.
--- Albert Einstein
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure
about the universe.
--- Albert Einstein
Here is The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational - which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus (n.): A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.
3. Intaxication (n.): Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation (n.): Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy (n.): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti (n.): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm (n.): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte (v.): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis (n.): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon (n.): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido (n.): All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect (n.): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at two or three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
Second Batch
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown..
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp. (For some reason, I almost laughed myself to death when I read this one.)
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive oil-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
‘Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t
be long before $1, 000.00 will only buy a used one.’
‘If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit; 20 cents
a pack is ridiculous. ‘
‘Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents
just to mail a letter.’
‘If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to
hire outside help at the store.’
‘When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would
someday cost 25 cents a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving
the car in the garage.’
‘I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they
let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in ‘GONE WITH THE WIND’,
it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.’
‘I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put
a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some
fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.’
‘Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for
$50,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday
they’ll be making more than the President. ‘
‘I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would
be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now. ‘
‘It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few
married women are having to work to make ends meet. ‘
‘It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire
someone to watch their kids so they can both work.’
‘I’m afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a
whole lot of foreign business.’
‘Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government
takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are
electing the best people to government.’
‘The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather,
but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.’
‘There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend.
It costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.’
‘No one can afford to be sick anymore. At $15.00 a day in
the hospital, it’s too rich for my blood.’
‘If they think I’ll pay 30 cents for a hair cut, forget it.’
Of course, as you might have guessed...all of them...
BACK TO INDEX
Can you find all of the mistakes in the paragraph below? Note:
We're not trying to trick you. Every error below is a common mistake by
businesspeople every day.
Nothing is more embarassing than making a writing mistake. Of course, we all think its funny
when we spot a mispelled word in magazine ads or on billboards. If one of your employee’s are
making the the mistakes, it can be disasterous. And if you have a typo in a memo to the boss,
how do you think they will view your professionalism? These kind of mistakes can be prevented,
irregardless of the persons job title. The people that make the mistakes can seriously effect how
other’s view you’re company. That can cost any organization money and hurt it’s profits.
Okay, how did you do? If you found all 16, then you're brilliant.
Answers here.
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital
after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my
legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated
your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a
kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it
sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess
enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby
discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why,"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said. "I
can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins, and
gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and
is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him
'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth
mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you
know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive
set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and
with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man,
this is so bad, it's good) ... A
super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
21. And finally, there was the
person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope
that at least ten of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.
Now the groaners...but some of them are actually funny, don't you think?
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.
The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro — what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
And now, some modern definitions...
ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both ends
And is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.
INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.
And MY Personal Favorite!
WRINKLES
Something other people have...
Similar to my character lines.
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture..
5) He could lead if he would get the leadout.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?
How good is your memory from the rock n' roll era?
Get a pen and paper to record your answers.
***************************
Don't cheat, now !
1. When did ''Little Suzie'' finally wake up?
(a) The movie's over, it's 2 o'clock
(b) The movie's over, it's 3 o'clock
(c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock
2. ''Rock Around The Clock'' was used in what movie?
(a) Rebel Without A Cause
(b) Blackboard Jungle
(c) The Wild Ones
3. What's missing from a Rock & Roll standpoint? Earth _____
(a) Angel
(b) Mother
(c) Worm
4. ''I found my thrill . . .'' where?
(a) Kansas City
(b) Heartbreak Hotel
(c) Blueberry Hill
5. ''Please turn on your magic beam, _____ _____ bring me a dream,'':
(a) Mr. Sandman
(b) Earth Angel
(c) Dream Lover
6. For which label did Elvis Presley first record?
(a) Atlantic
(b) RCA
(c) Sun
7. He asked, ''Why's everybody always pickin' on me?'' Who was he?
(a) Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
(b) Charlie Brown
(c) Buster Brown
8. In Bobby Darin's ''Mack The Knife,'' the one with the knife, was named:
(a) Mac Heath
(b) Mac Cloud
(c) McNamara
9. Name the song with ''A-wop bop a-loo bop a-lop bam boom.''
(a) Good Golly, Miss Molly
(b) Be-Bop-A-Lula
(c) Tutti Fruitti
10. Who is generally given credit for originating the term ''Rock And Roll''?
(a) Dick Clark
(b) Wolfman Jack
(c) Alan Freed
11. In 1957, he left the music business to become a preacher:
(a) Little Richard
(b) Frankie Lymon
(c) Tony Orlando
12. Paul Anka's ''Puppy Love'' is written to what star?
(a) Brenda Lee
(b) Connie Francis
(c) Annette Funicello
13. The Everly Brothers were.....
(a) Pete and Dick
(b) Don and Phil
(c) Bob and Bill
14. The Big Bopper's real name was:
(a) Jiles P. Richardson
(b) Roy Harold Scherer Jr.
(c) Marion Michael Morrison
15. In 1959, Berry Gordy, Jr., started a small record company called...
(a) Decca
(b) Cameo
(c) Motown
16. Edd Brynes had a hit with ''Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb''. What TV show was he on?
(a) 77 Sunset Strip
(b) Hawaiian Eye
(c) Surfside Six
17. In 1960 Bobby Darin married:
(a) Carol Lynley
(b) Sandra Dee
(c) Natalie Wood
18.. They were a one hit wonder with ''Book Of Love'':
(a) The Penguins
(b) The Monotones
(c) The Moonglows
19. The Everly Brothers sang a song called ''Till I ______ You.''
(a) Loved
(b) Kissed
(c) Met
20. Chuck Berry sang ''Oh, ___________, why can't you be true?''
(a) Suzie Q
(b) Peggy Sue
(c) Maybelline
21. ''Wooly _______''
(a) Mammouth
(b) Bully
(c) Pully
22. ''I'm like a one-eyed cat . . . .."
(a) can't go into town no more
(b) sleepin' on a cold hard floor
(c) peepin' in a seafood store
23. ''Sometimes I wonder what I'm gonna do . . . . ..''
(a) cause there ain't no answer for a life without booze
(b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues
(c) cause my car's gassed up and I'm ready to cruise
24. ''They often call me Speedo, but my real name is ......''
(a) Mr. Earl
(b) Jackie Pearl
(c) Milton Berle
25. ''Be Bop A Lula ....''
(a) she's got the rabies
(b) she's my baby.
(c) she loves me, maybe
26. ''Fine Love, Fine Kissing …..''
(a) right here
(b) fifty cents
(c) just for you
27. ''He wore black denim trousers and …..''
(a) a pink carnation
(b) pink leotards
(c) motorcycle boots
28. ''I got a gal named……....''
(a) Jenny Zamboni
(b) Gerri Mahoney
(c) Boney Maroney
You'll have to scroll down for the answers so you aren't tempted to cheat (as if cheating were needed here).
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*
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*
*
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1 (c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock
2. (b) Blackboard Jungle
3. (a) Angel
4. (c) Blueberry Hill
5. (a) Mr. Sandman
6. (c) Sun
7. (b) Charlie Brown
8. (a) Mac Heath
9. (c) Tutti Fruitti
10. (c) Alan Freed
11. (a) Little Richard
12. (c) Annette Funicello
13. (b) Don and Phil
14. (a) Jiles P. Richardson
15. (c) Motown
16. (a) 77 Sunset Strip
17. (b) Sandra Dee
18. (b) The Monotones
19. (b) Kissed
20. (c) Maybelline
21. (b) Bully
22. (c) peepin' in a sea food store
23. (b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues
24. (a) Mr. Earl
25. (b) she's my baby
26. (a) right here
27. (c) motorcycle boots
28. (c) Boney Maroney
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED Retirement AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
And another set of whimsy...
A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER THAT READ: "We will heel you. We will save your sole. We will even dye for you."
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix.";
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck: "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, You've come to the right place.";
On a Plumber's truck : "We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : "Invite us to your next blowout."
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank Heaven for little grills."
In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
And the best one for last…
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises
Artery.............................. The study of paintings
Bacteria........................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium............................ What doctors do when patients die
Benign............................ What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section........ A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan........................ Searching for Kitty
Cauterize........................ Made eye contact with her
Colic............................... A sheep dog
Coma............................. A punctuation mark
Dilate.............................. To live long
Enema............................ Not a friend
Fester............................ Quicker than someone else
Fibula............................ A small lie
Impotent......................... Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain................... Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane
Morbid........................... A higher offer
Nitrates......................... Cheaper than day rates
Node............................. I knew it
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis........................... Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative.............. A letter carrier
Recovery Room............ Place to do upholstery
Rectum......................... Nearly killed him
Secretion...................... Hiding something
Seizure........................ Roman Emperor
Tablet........................... A small table
Terminal Illness............ Getting sick at the airport
Tumour.......................... One plus one more
Urine............................. Opposite of you're out
The Twenty Most Commonly Used Words in Printed English are:
the of and to a in is I that it for you was with on as have but be they
Great Insults (from some very bright folks)
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words:
"He had delusions of adequacy ."
-Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
-Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
-Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
-Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
-Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
-Groucho Marx
Wonderful Items From Actual Student Papers
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a 6'3" tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
23. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
24. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
25. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
26. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
27. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
28. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
29. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
30. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
OLD WORDS AND PHRASES REMIND US OF THE WAY WE WORD (ABRIDGED) By Richard Lederer
Donít touch that dial, carbon copy, you sound like a broken record and hung out to dry.
Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie.
Weíd put on our best bib and tucker and straighten up and fly right.
Hubba-hubba!
Weíd cut a rug in some juke joint and then go necking and petting and smooching and spooning and billing and cooing and pitching woo in hot rods and jalopies in some passion pit or loversí lane.
Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumpiní Jehoshaphat! Holy moley!
We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldnít accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill.
Not for all the tea in China!
Life used to be swell, but whenís the last time anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers.
Kilroy was here, but he isnít anymore.
Like Washington Irvingís Rip Van Winkle and Kurt Vonnegutís Billy Pilgrim, we have become unstuck in time
Iíll be a monkeyís uncle!
This is a fine kettle of fish!
Pshaw. The milkman did it.
Bigger than a bread box. Banned in Boston. The very idea! Itís your nickel. Donít forget to pull the chain.
Knee high to a grasshopper. Turn-of-the-century. Iron curtain.
Domino theory. Fail safe. Civil defense. Fiddlesticks! Kiddidlehopper!
You look like the wreck of the Hesperus. Cooties. Going like sixty. Iíll see you in the funny papers. Donít take any wooden nickels.
Heavens to Murgatroyd! And awa-a-ay we go!
Oh,my stars and garters! It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter had liver pills.
Badda Bing, Badda Boom!
Yet More Fun Puns (thank you to my old friend Josh)
1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’ said the Doctor. 'Is it common?' "Well, It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?". "No, because he's really heavy".
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1427 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Winston Churchill loved them. They are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, and are frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16 You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
"Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the government take care of him better take a closer look at the American Indian"
Henry Ford
Laws They Didn't Teach You in School
1) Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
2) Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3) Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
4) Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
5) O'Brien's Variation Law:
If you change lanes while driving, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
6) Bell's Theorem:
When your body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
7) Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
8) Willoughby's Law:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
9) Zadra's Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10) Breda's Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.
11) Owen's law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Thoughts That Keep You Awake at Night
- If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent or food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.
- Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
- What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?
- If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
- Which letter is silent in the word "scent," the s or the c?
- Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?
- Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
- Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
- The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims."
- Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.
- 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
- Your future self is watching you right now through memories.
- The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.
- If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.
- Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.
- If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.
- If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, why not just call it "2's Day."